Torn between the devil and, well, just getting old(er)

What do you do when you're torn? Torn between a physical being and a mental state. Obviously the physical being just IS... the mental state is one of flux and change and adaptability.

Truth be told (and I've never hidden the fact) I'm nearly 31. I've been around the block a few times; living alone, living back at home, married, divorced, taking on other people's children and then suddenly being single again. I believe this is called experience? And whilst it's not resulted in physical baggage it does have its reflection in my state of being.

So when your mind tells you that you're as capable as anyone in their early 20's (albeit with more hindsight and 'worldly knowledge) you listen, right? Then the mirror tells you something else. You're not one of those skinny just-past-teeny chicks with the world at her feet with the bat of an eyelid and a flash of the cleavage. My body was built to believe it should have been rearing children by now - god knows there are days when it looks like it already has! I try to change it but some things just don't budge. And who knows which days I wear the fat-goggles (you know, like beer-goggles). Yes, I use the scapegoat of health issues as my avoidance at times, and I probably don't have total cause to do so, but I'm still unwilling to push that limit just to test it.

But what gets me is the majority of the male population who believe they are more than adequately capable of scoring one of those bubbly ditzes who can barely count to double digits just because that's the number in front of their cup size on their bra label. I mean take a look at yourselves - you're definitely not to be considered anything flash. And you inevitably end up spending your life with a normal/real woman. Actually, that's not true. Most of you end up with feral attempts at being female. But still, the point is there. Where do you see 'reality'? And if you're honest enough to say you like what you get, then don't expect that delusion of acceptance to flow through the attitude of the one you end up with. Acceptance is perceived to idealistically come from within, but there must be some level (and I'd debate is a majority proportion) of external acceptance for one to truly be happy. But, when you suggest you accept us, we think you're lying anyway!

Add that to the issue of the torn mind and personality. You want to be who you are, but you're not allowed to like who you are because it's not good enough, but you have to ignore the disrespectful nature of other people which in turn contradicts the previous point, and, and, and....... arrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!! It truly does your head in.

/rant.

The Life Of A Cyborg

Last Thursday I had a cardiac event monitor stuck to my chest... this thing is to be worn for a week and is intended to record (under my instruction) any heart 'events' I feel over that time. I have two electrodes attached - a white one on my top right of chest, and a red one on my left ribcage - and the physical monitor box with a big yellow button which hangs around my neck.



The idea is that when I feel an 'attack' or some abnormal event with my heart, I press the button. Normally this isn't an issue, however, I've been told I can only record five events on the monitor and any subsequent presses must only be for events considered more serious than those previously recorded.

I do get to remove the sticky pads up to twice a day to shower but the horrid gel gunky stuff is really starting to adhere to my skin and leave some red raw patches. Not to mention the discomfort of the itching when I get warm and sweaty :(

Whilst it may look fairly simple, placement of the top electrode is really inconvenient when it comes to being able to wear something to conceal it. It really doesn't bother me with the monitor or the electrodes or wires being visible, but there are times when it'd be nice to not know it's there. So I walk around with this device clearly suspended from my neck, and to be fair, most people haven't questioned it because they assume it's something along the lines of an mp3 player as they don't see the electrodes.

Mum stood behind me in the bathroom this morning as I was doing my hair. I could see she was studying the wires attached to my torso. Suddenly my hair straightener beeped at me to say it was at optimal temperature, but all mum knew was that there was an electronic twittering sound that just occurred. She looked at me with the "what was that?" panic. Perhaps she thought my monitor box and wires were about to explode!

So, once this thing comes off on Wednesday morning, I have an appointment with my cardiologist on the 29th of April to discuss results and what to do next. Now, my condition is well reported after dealing with it, medically, for the last 17 years. But because it's been 10 years since my last surgery and major procedure for it, we're trying to assess the current state of the condition(s). I would like for the next step to be an implantable monitor - it's about the size of a USB flash drive and is inserted under the skin above the heart. It can last up to three years depending upon battery life, and transmits wirelessly to a receiver whenever I tell it to record a significant event. I'm sure you can see from the geeky perspective as to why I'd want such a device, but from the health perspective I'd like to be able to come off my medication, monitor my condition over that longer period of time and see what my 'native' heart status is without any form of drug interference. This will allow the specialists to determine if I require more surgery to fix the issue, or if it's best left alone/treated with drugs.

Nicknames

Nicknames... have you got one? Do you refuse to acknowledge the one you have? C'mon tell me, what is it?

Of course I'm referring to those terms of endearment graced upon you by others, as either a bastardisation of your name, or some cutesy type reminder of some embarrassing childhood moment as opposed to those macho self-indulgent screen names you generate as the staple identity of your online persona.

I bought this topic up because of a comment on my last blog post where I was referred to as Manda-Panda. I really haven't heard that in about 15 years when a classmate used to bellow it out across the room in an attempt to reduce me to a quivering puddle of embarrassment. In addition to the simplistic variations on my name (Mandy, Manda) it often became Mandy-Moo or as per my parents nickname for me, Lou (shortened from my middle name, Louise).

Other than that, I don't believe I've ever had another nickname bestowed upon me... and somehow I don't think Bitch falls in to this category!

What's your OCD?

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). OCD is the fourth most common mental disorder and is diagnosed nearly as often as asthma and diabetes mellitus.

So, now that you have close to a medical definition, let us wind back those formalities and just have a look at the more placated social OCD's that people may/do have (I do believe these may be also referred to as idiosyncrasies to allay the serious inference of a mental condition!)

Personally I have to say, two specific habits spring to mind:

1 - I can only turn anti-clockwise in the shower. I heard it mentioned on TV many years ago that people have a preferential direction, which extended to rotational direction in activities like showering. For me, I've found that whilst I can turn to my right, I only get to about a quarter turn and then find I change direction and pivot through 450 degrees to maintain a sense of balance. Stop and think about it... does it make any difference to you which way you rotate when trying to get all of your body covered in water? Make yourself aware of this and see what your habits are the next few times you shower.

2 - My FireFox tabs have to be in a set order. It's something I deal with every day and it's such a habit to have my work site, iGoogle, Gmail, Facebook, Forums, Webmail, News and then other sites set up in my browser that I find I get confused and disoriented if they're not in this order. I like things set out in a particular manner (I think most people with a sense of cleanliness/order/space/even pride would experience similar things). It makes a work or living space feel together, in sync and functional. I guess that's what extends to something as basic as my browser tabs.

Call me weird if you must - sticks and stones and all that crap! Just reflect.. what are those little things that make you, you?

Has technology made us lazy in our relationships?

It's something I've been pondering for a while.

The most notable change in our personal interactions comes by way of time spent either physically with another person or in communicating to them via several means. In the days where you kept physical company with a friend/partner/family member you would be required to uphold a level of conversation and activity where it would be obvious if you waned in attention. But now, we can communicate via text, whereby it takes longer to type a sentence than it does to say it; you get thinking time about your responses without the other person interpreting your expressions and body language.

Essentially you can make a 20 minute verbal conversation last all day (or several days) if you need to when it's conducted via email or chat. And when all else fails, you can be AFK and unavailable to respond! Is it easier to just have a pleasant "Hi" from an sms than having to see someone, go through the spiel of "How was your day? What did you get up to?" But surely this contravenes the idea that with all this fantastic technology available to us, we can share more about ourselves and our lives to a greater audience in less time.

So what does that mean for our concept of sharing information with others? Or how well do we effectively know someone these days? If you spread out how much detail you provide someone over days, weeks, months and years, how much of yourself are you truly letting them see? And then, does this mean we base our relationships on only a small fragment of what we believe the other person to be? - perhaps this is why so many relationships, marriages and associations fall apart, because we believe we know so much about another, and yet we've only just seen a small portion of their true self.



I'm a believer that yes, it generally is easier to communicate in dribs and drabs, but it's not the best way to do it... you may be buying time now, but by elongating the interaction period could very well be wasting that time you've just bought in the long run.