Thinking causes headaches

I think I need to blog more. But I also think my blogs need to be less ranty-ragey - we all know I think the world is full of wankers, and that I'm a lost cause in whatever I do. That being said, whatever I post about is likely to be of little interest to my few (or should I say "selective group of") followers. It has been suggested that the most common topic available for discussion between me and you is boobs, but, that seems to be a theme which is raised almost daily anyway by my own admission!

So, I pose the question, what direction should my expressions take? Since this is hopefully auto-linked between my twitter and Facebook accounts *glares at the technology Gods*, I am expecting at least three replies!!

Oh and by the way, do you like the new page style?

Balancing the body and mind - in some very compromising positions!

Today, being a public holiday, gave me a chance to participate in a couple of gym classes which I normally wouldn't do. In fact, my day has comprised pretty much solely on gym and exercise and rest; I'm pretty sure I could convert that to a full time lifestyle!

I started with an RPM (spin) cycle class this morning. These used to be my Monday morning, 05:45am kick starts to the week. But since it's been a while, I thought I'd start with the express class of just 35 minutes as opposed to the full 55 minutes.

Firstly, let me just point out this "bike" looked like something designed by NASA. But, during design, they forgot to account for comfort. By Christ, that seat hurts bones in your arse you never knew existed! I will confess to skipping many of the hill climbs in the routine because I was already struggling to keep my heart rate lower than 180bpm. Nevertheless, I at least kept my legs spinning for a total of 40 minutes (five minutes getting used to posture and position prior to class commencing.) Consequently I suffered from wobbly-leg for an hour or so afterwards.

Tonight I returned to the gym for a Body Balance class. This is a Les Mills class with a very interesting take on combining yoga, pilates and tai chi. Here was me, expecting a sedate, yet muscularly strong, class. But no. I worked up a sweat which I was completely unprepared for. And despite the heating apparently being on in the room, it was actually my body overheating with the strain of the exercise. I have to admit, having sweat dripping in to your eye whilst focussing on your Down Dog can be quite distracting.

It's always disconcerting when you're participating in group activities where everyone else in the room seems to know what they're doing, and how to avoid looking like a total pratt. Plus, the instructions given were rather 'technical' by way of referring to movements by name rather than action. I struggled to find my focal point - an issue possibly compounded by the fact the woman's head in front of me just peaked at the point on the mirror where my eye level would be comfortable for maintaining a balance/sight level.

Now I'm aware of what to expect, I'll head back for the Friday night session this week - by then my muscles should have recovered. I will practice my down dog, tree, aeroplane, warrior and flat back in the meantime and hope I don't look like the total newbie in the group.

xxM

My stance

So I'm feeling a tad bit lost lately. Perhaps I'm now more lonely than ever. The last couple of days have had a strange impact on me - I've wanted to get out and about; I need to talk, to interact, to socialise in a real sense. All this online chat just doesn't have the scope for experience and sensation anymore. But I wont drop to another level to fulfill the feelings I need.

I like my luxury. I like my name brands which supposedly represent luxury. It's comfort to me... and in no way intimidating. There's nothing wrong with a little (or lot of) class or style or quality. I wont apologise for that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't flaunt the brand thing, and declare ownership of such things in an extroverted and promotional nature. But you can't even pretend to compare what it's like under a damask cover when you don't even have a valence on your own bed!

I was recently advised to put on a front, to polish up the facade in being nice to people and pretending all is well (which I actually take as an insult suggesting that I'm not nice to people in the first instance - but that's a whole other story). I can't do that - at least not for the sake of fitting in. It's just like being back in school - fake it to make it. No, that's not how life is meant to be. I wont lie to myself, and henceforth I wont lie to other people.

It just seems that now I've put the walls up higher and deeper. I really am tired of just doing as per others, for their convenience and my acceptance. If I have to hang about in my own solitude for a little longer, so be it. What comes in the end will be worth it, and more than anyone has ever shown before. And in the meantime, all the more goose down quilt for me to snuggle under!

And step, and push, and step, and reach...

I recently experienced a major "slap in the face of life." Whilst my self esteem was never on the highest rungs of the ladder, I suddenly felt as though I had slipped so far down that I was effectively just standing on the ground instead. It's hard to maintain an acceptance of one's self when someone you've invested your heart and life to apparently simply stops loving you. Of course you blame yourself (even when you know their stupidity, ignorance, lack of foresight and care is the predominant factor) and the second guessing of your being (physical, emotional, sexual and mental) is something you just can't stop doing.

So, when you feel like crap, and believe that you look like crap... what do you do?

Well, in my case, I've returnedto the gym. I realised it's been four years since my last gym junkie phase. Back then, I managed to lose a solid 10kg (and up to 13kg on weight fluctuation days) over six months. Of course, moving house a few times after that, changing jobs, changing lifestyle, made it rather difficult to maintain that newly acquired weight and shape. Consequently, about seven of those kilograms came back to me with great embrace.

But, I've done it once, I'll do it again.

Monday past saw me sign back up to my old gym. I have it in my mind that I aim to return to up to 12 gym sessions a week within the first month (keeping in mind that Easter break is right in the middle there.) Before your jaw drops too far at the sheer though of 12 times a week, let me assure you that each session is not massive. Quite often it will just be a half hour routine on the cross-trainer/bike/treadmill. So, half hour before breakfast and before work to kick start the metabolism, then half hour after work and before dinner to de-stress for the day and get some movement back in to my body after the inevitable 8 hour staring-at-computer-screen-and-calling-it-work chore.

As encouragement, I've had a couple of shopping sessions to stock up on gym appropriate clothes, including today's purchase of an $80 pair of tights... WTF??? But, if I don't maintain my gym work, I'll actually feel guilty for having spent that for no reason. Plus, since they look good, I'll be much more inclined to want to wear them and head off to the equipment!

So, since joining up at the start of the week, I've only managed to make it to the gym twice. That first half hour session on the cross-trainer put me out of walking action for three days due to extremely tight calves :(

I have my first assessment tomorrow morning (8am on a Sunday - nice and quiet on the gym scene with no-one else usually around) where I'll have all of my weights and measurements taken, and a basic 'plan' drawn up for a routine.That being said, I think I'll predominantly stick to my half hour, twice daily, cardio stints for a while, with a few free weights to tone the arms and abs. Add that to the old body builder's eating plan, and use of amino acid supplements and protein powders, and I'll be back on track within a couple of months (fingers crossed!)

Well, that's working on the body... now to find some way of working on the mind. That's not going to be quite as easy I fear.