Torn between the devil and, well, just getting old(er)

What do you do when you're torn? Torn between a physical being and a mental state. Obviously the physical being just IS... the mental state is one of flux and change and adaptability.

Truth be told (and I've never hidden the fact) I'm nearly 31. I've been around the block a few times; living alone, living back at home, married, divorced, taking on other people's children and then suddenly being single again. I believe this is called experience? And whilst it's not resulted in physical baggage it does have its reflection in my state of being.

So when your mind tells you that you're as capable as anyone in their early 20's (albeit with more hindsight and 'worldly knowledge) you listen, right? Then the mirror tells you something else. You're not one of those skinny just-past-teeny chicks with the world at her feet with the bat of an eyelid and a flash of the cleavage. My body was built to believe it should have been rearing children by now - god knows there are days when it looks like it already has! I try to change it but some things just don't budge. And who knows which days I wear the fat-goggles (you know, like beer-goggles). Yes, I use the scapegoat of health issues as my avoidance at times, and I probably don't have total cause to do so, but I'm still unwilling to push that limit just to test it.

But what gets me is the majority of the male population who believe they are more than adequately capable of scoring one of those bubbly ditzes who can barely count to double digits just because that's the number in front of their cup size on their bra label. I mean take a look at yourselves - you're definitely not to be considered anything flash. And you inevitably end up spending your life with a normal/real woman. Actually, that's not true. Most of you end up with feral attempts at being female. But still, the point is there. Where do you see 'reality'? And if you're honest enough to say you like what you get, then don't expect that delusion of acceptance to flow through the attitude of the one you end up with. Acceptance is perceived to idealistically come from within, but there must be some level (and I'd debate is a majority proportion) of external acceptance for one to truly be happy. But, when you suggest you accept us, we think you're lying anyway!

Add that to the issue of the torn mind and personality. You want to be who you are, but you're not allowed to like who you are because it's not good enough, but you have to ignore the disrespectful nature of other people which in turn contradicts the previous point, and, and, and....... arrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!! It truly does your head in.

/rant.