And step, and push, and step, and reach...

I recently experienced a major "slap in the face of life." Whilst my self esteem was never on the highest rungs of the ladder, I suddenly felt as though I had slipped so far down that I was effectively just standing on the ground instead. It's hard to maintain an acceptance of one's self when someone you've invested your heart and life to apparently simply stops loving you. Of course you blame yourself (even when you know their stupidity, ignorance, lack of foresight and care is the predominant factor) and the second guessing of your being (physical, emotional, sexual and mental) is something you just can't stop doing.

So, when you feel like crap, and believe that you look like crap... what do you do?

Well, in my case, I've returnedto the gym. I realised it's been four years since my last gym junkie phase. Back then, I managed to lose a solid 10kg (and up to 13kg on weight fluctuation days) over six months. Of course, moving house a few times after that, changing jobs, changing lifestyle, made it rather difficult to maintain that newly acquired weight and shape. Consequently, about seven of those kilograms came back to me with great embrace.

But, I've done it once, I'll do it again.

Monday past saw me sign back up to my old gym. I have it in my mind that I aim to return to up to 12 gym sessions a week within the first month (keeping in mind that Easter break is right in the middle there.) Before your jaw drops too far at the sheer though of 12 times a week, let me assure you that each session is not massive. Quite often it will just be a half hour routine on the cross-trainer/bike/treadmill. So, half hour before breakfast and before work to kick start the metabolism, then half hour after work and before dinner to de-stress for the day and get some movement back in to my body after the inevitable 8 hour staring-at-computer-screen-and-calling-it-work chore.

As encouragement, I've had a couple of shopping sessions to stock up on gym appropriate clothes, including today's purchase of an $80 pair of tights... WTF??? But, if I don't maintain my gym work, I'll actually feel guilty for having spent that for no reason. Plus, since they look good, I'll be much more inclined to want to wear them and head off to the equipment!

So, since joining up at the start of the week, I've only managed to make it to the gym twice. That first half hour session on the cross-trainer put me out of walking action for three days due to extremely tight calves :(

I have my first assessment tomorrow morning (8am on a Sunday - nice and quiet on the gym scene with no-one else usually around) where I'll have all of my weights and measurements taken, and a basic 'plan' drawn up for a routine.That being said, I think I'll predominantly stick to my half hour, twice daily, cardio stints for a while, with a few free weights to tone the arms and abs. Add that to the old body builder's eating plan, and use of amino acid supplements and protein powders, and I'll be back on track within a couple of months (fingers crossed!)

Well, that's working on the body... now to find some way of working on the mind. That's not going to be quite as easy I fear.