Torn between the devil and, well, just getting old(er)

What do you do when you're torn? Torn between a physical being and a mental state. Obviously the physical being just IS... the mental state is one of flux and change and adaptability.

Truth be told (and I've never hidden the fact) I'm nearly 31. I've been around the block a few times; living alone, living back at home, married, divorced, taking on other people's children and then suddenly being single again. I believe this is called experience? And whilst it's not resulted in physical baggage it does have its reflection in my state of being.

So when your mind tells you that you're as capable as anyone in their early 20's (albeit with more hindsight and 'worldly knowledge) you listen, right? Then the mirror tells you something else. You're not one of those skinny just-past-teeny chicks with the world at her feet with the bat of an eyelid and a flash of the cleavage. My body was built to believe it should have been rearing children by now - god knows there are days when it looks like it already has! I try to change it but some things just don't budge. And who knows which days I wear the fat-goggles (you know, like beer-goggles). Yes, I use the scapegoat of health issues as my avoidance at times, and I probably don't have total cause to do so, but I'm still unwilling to push that limit just to test it.

But what gets me is the majority of the male population who believe they are more than adequately capable of scoring one of those bubbly ditzes who can barely count to double digits just because that's the number in front of their cup size on their bra label. I mean take a look at yourselves - you're definitely not to be considered anything flash. And you inevitably end up spending your life with a normal/real woman. Actually, that's not true. Most of you end up with feral attempts at being female. But still, the point is there. Where do you see 'reality'? And if you're honest enough to say you like what you get, then don't expect that delusion of acceptance to flow through the attitude of the one you end up with. Acceptance is perceived to idealistically come from within, but there must be some level (and I'd debate is a majority proportion) of external acceptance for one to truly be happy. But, when you suggest you accept us, we think you're lying anyway!

Add that to the issue of the torn mind and personality. You want to be who you are, but you're not allowed to like who you are because it's not good enough, but you have to ignore the disrespectful nature of other people which in turn contradicts the previous point, and, and, and....... arrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!! It truly does your head in.

/rant.

Instagram Challenge

A random thought came over me yesterday as I looked through my twitter feed whilst at the gym - what if I set a task to record my day via photos? And so became the Instagr.am challenge where I would take one photo every hour, for 12 hours to highlight my day's activities. Summary to follow:

06:00-07:00 Good Morning Tia
Tia is my morning wake up call on those morning when I'm not first to rise due to work commitments. Her 'mooing' (that's the noise she makes!) at my bedside is usually followed by her stealing a slipper from my room, and wandering off downstairs.

07:00-08:00 Coffee Time
It's always a pleasant aroma to fill the kitchen. Post breakfast coffee is a ritual in the house.
 
08:00-09:00 Hair & make-up time
The obligatory "face the day" routine.

09:00-10:00 Shopping @ Harbour Town Shopping Centre
This is the central water feature of Harbour Town. For some reason it's a tourist attraction - personally, all I see is bubbly water!

10:00-11:00 Job hunting
It's a daily chore searching for employment, and one proving to be too great for only two monitors with all of the cut and paste, various browser windows for cross referencing and checking.

11:00-12:00 Wellness
Physio time for injuries sustained in a fall last Saturday. Acupuncture was the treatment of choice today - those needles can be a little freaky if you suddenly tense up. An almighty twinge passes through your body with them.

12:00-13:00 Transportation
My Nissan, my preferred mode of transport.

13:00-14:00 Vessel pre-delivery
Dropped in to check on the boat which is due for delivery tomorrow.

14:00-15:00 Getting crafty
Rummaging through my stores of ribbon. I enjoy creating, and fancy-ing things up!

15:00-16:00 Cookies "flowers" gift box
A novel gift - these have become my trademark of late. Whether they be boxes with chocolate or cookies, they're pretty, and far more consumable than a floral arrangement!

16:00-17:00 Effective marketing
Whilst I'm an infrequent consumer of Coke, it was inevitable that I wouldn't be able to resist when seeing my name on a bottle. Genius marketing in my opinion.

17:00-18:00 Storm season
And down came the rain. Fortunately we didn't receive the lashings which the northern regions did, but the rain is still heavy enough to cause panic and fluster when rushing around to close all windows!

Thinking causes headaches

I think I need to blog more. But I also think my blogs need to be less ranty-ragey - we all know I think the world is full of wankers, and that I'm a lost cause in whatever I do. That being said, whatever I post about is likely to be of little interest to my few (or should I say "selective group of") followers. It has been suggested that the most common topic available for discussion between me and you is boobs, but, that seems to be a theme which is raised almost daily anyway by my own admission!

So, I pose the question, what direction should my expressions take? Since this is hopefully auto-linked between my twitter and Facebook accounts *glares at the technology Gods*, I am expecting at least three replies!!

Oh and by the way, do you like the new page style?

Balancing the body and mind - in some very compromising positions!

Today, being a public holiday, gave me a chance to participate in a couple of gym classes which I normally wouldn't do. In fact, my day has comprised pretty much solely on gym and exercise and rest; I'm pretty sure I could convert that to a full time lifestyle!

I started with an RPM (spin) cycle class this morning. These used to be my Monday morning, 05:45am kick starts to the week. But since it's been a while, I thought I'd start with the express class of just 35 minutes as opposed to the full 55 minutes.

Firstly, let me just point out this "bike" looked like something designed by NASA. But, during design, they forgot to account for comfort. By Christ, that seat hurts bones in your arse you never knew existed! I will confess to skipping many of the hill climbs in the routine because I was already struggling to keep my heart rate lower than 180bpm. Nevertheless, I at least kept my legs spinning for a total of 40 minutes (five minutes getting used to posture and position prior to class commencing.) Consequently I suffered from wobbly-leg for an hour or so afterwards.

Tonight I returned to the gym for a Body Balance class. This is a Les Mills class with a very interesting take on combining yoga, pilates and tai chi. Here was me, expecting a sedate, yet muscularly strong, class. But no. I worked up a sweat which I was completely unprepared for. And despite the heating apparently being on in the room, it was actually my body overheating with the strain of the exercise. I have to admit, having sweat dripping in to your eye whilst focussing on your Down Dog can be quite distracting.

It's always disconcerting when you're participating in group activities where everyone else in the room seems to know what they're doing, and how to avoid looking like a total pratt. Plus, the instructions given were rather 'technical' by way of referring to movements by name rather than action. I struggled to find my focal point - an issue possibly compounded by the fact the woman's head in front of me just peaked at the point on the mirror where my eye level would be comfortable for maintaining a balance/sight level.

Now I'm aware of what to expect, I'll head back for the Friday night session this week - by then my muscles should have recovered. I will practice my down dog, tree, aeroplane, warrior and flat back in the meantime and hope I don't look like the total newbie in the group.

xxM

My stance

So I'm feeling a tad bit lost lately. Perhaps I'm now more lonely than ever. The last couple of days have had a strange impact on me - I've wanted to get out and about; I need to talk, to interact, to socialise in a real sense. All this online chat just doesn't have the scope for experience and sensation anymore. But I wont drop to another level to fulfill the feelings I need.

I like my luxury. I like my name brands which supposedly represent luxury. It's comfort to me... and in no way intimidating. There's nothing wrong with a little (or lot of) class or style or quality. I wont apologise for that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't flaunt the brand thing, and declare ownership of such things in an extroverted and promotional nature. But you can't even pretend to compare what it's like under a damask cover when you don't even have a valence on your own bed!

I was recently advised to put on a front, to polish up the facade in being nice to people and pretending all is well (which I actually take as an insult suggesting that I'm not nice to people in the first instance - but that's a whole other story). I can't do that - at least not for the sake of fitting in. It's just like being back in school - fake it to make it. No, that's not how life is meant to be. I wont lie to myself, and henceforth I wont lie to other people.

It just seems that now I've put the walls up higher and deeper. I really am tired of just doing as per others, for their convenience and my acceptance. If I have to hang about in my own solitude for a little longer, so be it. What comes in the end will be worth it, and more than anyone has ever shown before. And in the meantime, all the more goose down quilt for me to snuggle under!

And step, and push, and step, and reach...

I recently experienced a major "slap in the face of life." Whilst my self esteem was never on the highest rungs of the ladder, I suddenly felt as though I had slipped so far down that I was effectively just standing on the ground instead. It's hard to maintain an acceptance of one's self when someone you've invested your heart and life to apparently simply stops loving you. Of course you blame yourself (even when you know their stupidity, ignorance, lack of foresight and care is the predominant factor) and the second guessing of your being (physical, emotional, sexual and mental) is something you just can't stop doing.

So, when you feel like crap, and believe that you look like crap... what do you do?

Well, in my case, I've returnedto the gym. I realised it's been four years since my last gym junkie phase. Back then, I managed to lose a solid 10kg (and up to 13kg on weight fluctuation days) over six months. Of course, moving house a few times after that, changing jobs, changing lifestyle, made it rather difficult to maintain that newly acquired weight and shape. Consequently, about seven of those kilograms came back to me with great embrace.

But, I've done it once, I'll do it again.

Monday past saw me sign back up to my old gym. I have it in my mind that I aim to return to up to 12 gym sessions a week within the first month (keeping in mind that Easter break is right in the middle there.) Before your jaw drops too far at the sheer though of 12 times a week, let me assure you that each session is not massive. Quite often it will just be a half hour routine on the cross-trainer/bike/treadmill. So, half hour before breakfast and before work to kick start the metabolism, then half hour after work and before dinner to de-stress for the day and get some movement back in to my body after the inevitable 8 hour staring-at-computer-screen-and-calling-it-work chore.

As encouragement, I've had a couple of shopping sessions to stock up on gym appropriate clothes, including today's purchase of an $80 pair of tights... WTF??? But, if I don't maintain my gym work, I'll actually feel guilty for having spent that for no reason. Plus, since they look good, I'll be much more inclined to want to wear them and head off to the equipment!

So, since joining up at the start of the week, I've only managed to make it to the gym twice. That first half hour session on the cross-trainer put me out of walking action for three days due to extremely tight calves :(

I have my first assessment tomorrow morning (8am on a Sunday - nice and quiet on the gym scene with no-one else usually around) where I'll have all of my weights and measurements taken, and a basic 'plan' drawn up for a routine.That being said, I think I'll predominantly stick to my half hour, twice daily, cardio stints for a while, with a few free weights to tone the arms and abs. Add that to the old body builder's eating plan, and use of amino acid supplements and protein powders, and I'll be back on track within a couple of months (fingers crossed!)

Well, that's working on the body... now to find some way of working on the mind. That's not going to be quite as easy I fear.

My Favourite Recipes

Yes, I know; It's been a while since I blogged. My apologies.

Life was on a forwards path, or at least I thought. But now it's taken a turn, it's time to indulge you in one of my past-times which doesn't fail me. Cooking.

Plus, I found a few weeks ago I needed one of my recipes but didn't have the book with me. So, if I publish a small collection of fail-safe-always-need-to-know recipes, I can source them when I'm not near my bookshelf!

So here we go.....

Baileys Irish Cream
400ml can condensed milk
300ml cream
3 eggs
1 Cup Whisky/Brandy (Scotch)
1 Tbsp chocolate topping
1 tsp coconut essence
Mix well in blender and bottle. Consume within 4 days

Sweet Muffins - general mixture 
1 Cup honey
1 egg - beaten
1 1/4 Cups milk
100g butter - melted
2 Cups Self Raising flour

Options to include:
1/2 Cup walnuts
1/2 Cup chocolate chips
2-3 bananas - mashed

or

1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup sultanas
stewed apple pieces
cinnamon

Combine all ingredients, making sure flour is mixed in last. Mixture does not have to be entirely smooth when 'fully mixed'. Bake for 15-20 minutes at 180 degrees.

Carrot and Zucchini Muffins
1/2 Cup SR wholemeal flour
1/2 Cup SR flour
1/4 Cup brown sugar
1/4 tsp bicarb soda
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1 grated carrot
1 grated zucchini
1/4 mixed crushed nuts
1/2 Cup milk - scant
45g butter - melted
1 egg

Combine all ingredients, mixing well. 20 minutes at 200 degrees.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
125g butter
1/2 Cup sugar
1/2 Cup brown sugar - lightly packed
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 egg - lightly beaten
1 3/4 Cup SR flour
1/2 tsp sale
125g chocolate chips
60g walnut pieces

Cream together butter, sugars and vanilla. Add egg gradually, beating well after each addition. Mix in sifted flour and salt. Add chocolate chips and walnuts.
Shape teaspoons of mixture in to small balls, place on lightly greased oven tray. Allow room for spreading. 10-12 minutes at 180 degrees.

Apricot Cream Pie
425g can apricot halves
1/2 Cup sugar
2 Tbsp SR flour
200g light sour cream
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla essence
cinnamon - to top

Drain apricots and place in pie dish. Combine sugar, flour, add egg, sour cream and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Pour over apricots. Sprinkle with cinnamon. 40 minutes at 190 degrees.

Basic Pizza Dough
3/4 Cup warm water
1 tsp olive oil
7g satchel dried yeast
2 Cups plain flour
1/2 tsp salt

Dissolve y east in water. Stir in oil.
In large bowl stir flour, salt and yeast mixture until blended. Kneed for 2 minutes. Cover bowl with greaseproof paper. Let dough rest for 5 minutes. Roll out to required size. Brush top of dough lightly with oil prior to adding toppings. Crust cooks best at 12-15 minutes at 200 degrees.

Bechamel Sauce
60g (3 Tbsp) butter
1/3 Cup plain flour
salt and pepper
pinch nutmeg
2 Cups milk
125g cheddar cheese - grated
3 Tbsp Parmesan cheese

Melt butter in saucepan. Add flour, salt, pepper and nutmeg. Blend until smooth. Stir over heat for 1 minute. Gradually add milk and stir until sauce boils and thickens. Reduce heat, cook 1 minute. remove from heat and stir in cheeses until they melt.

Pineapple & Cherry Fruit Loaf
1 packet glace cherries, halved
equal quantities of glace pineapple, small chunks, and glace ginger
125g butter
1/3 Cup castor sugar
2 eggs
1 Cup plain flour
1/3 Cup SR flour
1/3 Cup Milk
1 Tbsp cream sherry

Grease and line loaf pan. Mix butter and sugar. Add eggs, 1 at a time. Mix in fruit, half of flour, milk and sherry. Add remaining flour. 80 minutes at 150-160 degrees.

Thai Dipping Sauce
1 Cup sugar
1/2 Cup vinegar
1/3 Cup water

Simmer to syrup. Add chill, cucumber, onion etc.

Light and Easy Boiled Fruit Cake
375g mixed dried fruits
3/4 Cup soft brown sugar
1 tsp mixed spice
1/2 Cup water
125g butter
1/2 Cup sherry
2 eggs - lightly beaten
2 Tbsp marmalade
1 Cup SR flour
1 Cup plain flour
1/2 tsp bicarb soda
Optional topping - 1/3 cup toasted muesli, chopped walnuts and cherries.

Place fruit, sugar, spice, water and butter in large saucepan. Bring to boil. Simmer for 3 minutes. Remove and cool. Add sherry, marmalade and eggs. Fold in sifted flours and bicarb soda. Grease and line 20cm round pan. Two and quarter hours at 160 degrees.

Chocolate Mousse
200g dark chocolate - chopped
20g butter
250ml thickened cream
3 eggs - separated

Melt chocolate and butter in double boiler.
Whip cream to soft peaks.
Whip egg whites to soft peaks.
Add eggs one at a time to cooled chocolate mixture. Fold in cream. Fold in egg whites. Pour in to desired servingware and chill for at least an hour.